5 basic steps in dealing with grief

Waves of grief: I remember it well, and it is coming again, over and over again. Washing over me and my family. Its like the ocean. You think the water has stopped, all is calm, and suddenly wave after wave begins to splash all around you, above you, and sometimes carries you away. I had forgotten how grief comes in waves.

One of my call verses to ordained ministry comes out of my first story of grief. When my own young husband died suddenly in a car accident 22 years ago leaving me behind with two babies the unbearable grief almost got the best of me–but God was there all along. God is with you too, though you may not feel it at this time.

 

2 Corinthains 1: 3 has the Apostle Paul’s greeting the people from Corinth with these words:, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

Now I am here to help others in their own grieving process. In all that experience it still does not “prepare” you for the next time when you will be in the midst of grief. The second worst day of my life came a little over two weeks ago, when my brother-in-law, the very one who had stepped in to help me when my husband had not been there, died suddenly of a massive heart attack. This kind of heart attack is called the widow maker, and virtually there is nothing anyone can do when it strikes. One day he was healthy, working out in the pool and helping strangers in the nursing home, the next morning he woke up not feeling very well, and died shortly thereafter. Ron was only 61, loving life, and serving others.

So how do we cope? How do we survive? How do we go on living when sometimes there seems to be very little to live for? Over the next few weeks I will be writing about grief. For today, here are 5 basic steps, a very good place to begin. Sometimes in the beginning of grief, we need to go over these basic steps daily for a long time:

1) Grief is a process, it takes time. While this seems basic sometimes we forget that grief is not something we “get over” quickly. We can be grieved over many things: Loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, kids moving out of the house, divorce, a change in our own health status or that of one we love. I remember when I attended a grief support group for young widows and they told me I would not feel whole again until 5 years. I remember thinking, “There is no way I can make it that long in this condition.” 5 Years was right, I did not feel fully alive again until 5 years later. (Sorry to be the bearer of that bad news, but keep reading there are things you can do NOW.)

2) Take time to grieve. Give yourself space and permission. Some circles call this the “white space.” This is unplanned time to allow yourself to be, to remember and to be sad.

3) Tears are healthy. Use them. Take time to cry. It might seem that you have already been crying far too much, maybe it seems that there are no more tears left. Tears also help you process. There is a chemical element of tears that is cleansing. After the two year point when my tears no longer came at regular intervals several times a day, I would take some space and listen to music that would MAKE my cry. This did two helpful things: It helped me control my emotions in public, and it allowed the grief process to continuing working in me.

4) Find out how you “process” things and DO it. I have discovered that I process life events with pictures. So I pull out pictures of my loved ones and go over them and remember. (I even did this when my dog died, I loved my dog!) Maybe you process by telling your story. Find a trusted friend or a pastor who will listen to your story. Tell it over and over again, this helps the processing. I have also found that writing to my loved one in a journal helps me process. This had an added benefit in that months later I could reread my journaling and really see that I HAD made progress in my grief work even though sometimes it FEELS like you are standing still.

5) Don’t leave God out of the mix. The Risen Christ Jesus promises to be with us until the end of the ages. (Matthew 28:20) The biblical witness reminds us from the beginning to the end that we have a God who loves us, who cares for us and who will be an abiding presence with us. (I will delve further into these references in a future post.) But in the midst of our grief sometimes we feel that God HAS abandoned us, we feel that God has forgotten us and we feel like God doesn’t care about us. God is big enough to hear your cries of pain and hurt. There are very real persons of faith, particularly in the Psalms of Lament (Psalms 22, 88 and many others,) who cry out in their pain and they ask the question, “God where were you and where are you now?” (Psalm 22 is what Jesus cried from the cross, “My God, my God why have you forsaken me.”) Cry out to God, and when you cannot seem to pray for yourself, ask others to pray with you and for you. (Get on a church prayer list, have faithful friends pray for you, find a Christian prayer and healing service near to you.)

This is a contemporary praise song that helps me in times of being in the desert by Hillsong United entitled, “The Desert Song.”

Grief work is hard, but whatever you do do NOT do nothing. Doing nothing will only help you become bitter and self destructive. REALLY! May the God of all comfort comfort you in your pain and grief.

In Christ,

Pastor Sarah

Speak Life ~Toby Mac Style

Last weekend I had the opportunity to hear one of my favorite Christian Contemporary artists (again) speak words of life at his concert in Baltimore. The more I see Toby, the more I like him and appreciate what he is doing to build the Kingdom of God. I attended the concert after a very busy day at our TUMC bazaar. Under normal circumstances one would have been too tired to attend such an event after a very busy week. But I know that Toby’s music lifts me up, so I made the extra effort to attend, and to take along some friends.

This time, his very short testimony of one of his songs truly spoke to my heart in a new way. I have been enjoying his song entitled “Speak Life,” but during this concert he told us the story behind the writing of the song. Toby had read the Raggamuffin Gospel when he was younger. He says he remembers reading Mannings words, “When you speak to someone you either speak life or you drain life, there are no neutral exchanges.” Hence, the song that Toby wrote was birthed.

I’ve been thinking of this quote all week, “There are no neutral exchanges.” What about me and my words? Sure it is easy for me to speak life when I am doing the work of the church, that is easy. But what about when I am running into the grocery store to buy something quickly or as I move about my busy day in the world? When I am doing errands I have a purpose and I move through that purpose quickly. To be honest, people who are serving who are not on my same page when I am rushing around irritate me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not mean, I am not impolite; but I don’t speak words of life. I thought these were neutral exchanges. Toby’s words, “There are no neutral exchanges” have been haunting me. I can do better, I can be better. Maybe these exchanges have a divine appointment for me or for someone else. Maybe I am the one to speak life into someone else’s life who is drowning. After all, I know the Good News, and maybe I can speak enough life to allow a person to trust me so that I can share that Good News which is what really matters.

Meanwhile, this week I have been practicing speaking life into the lives of those who would otherwise be “incidental” in my day. They have been wonderful exchanges. I am learning and growing.

How about you? Do you speak life or do you drain life? Are you the one from which someone will remember the conversation or are you the one they wish they will never wait on again? As for me, I am trying to practice new habits.

Thanks Toby, for giving me a new perspective on the way I speak in common everyday exchanges of words.

A future with hope ~ TUMC Sandy Relief Team Last Day

Sounds are important to me. I like to listen to my surrounding sounds. A musician is always listening. The sound that has been new music to my ears over the last 5 days has been the sound of buzz saws, mitre saws and chop saws~ Why? That is what rebuilding sounds like for those who have lost their homes from Super Storm Sandy.

Our job site was abuzz with the sounds of rebuilding~ saws, hammering, calls of “How long do you want this cut to be?” Each time I came near the job site these sounds could be heard from at least a block away. Those sounds became the sound of hope!

There are other sounds being heard in Highlands, NJ. Right next to our job site, as mentioned previously, were the sounds of a backhoe backing up to tear down the trailer park homes that had been destroyed. Those folks are permanently displaced. We also heard the beep, beep, beep backing up of the big crane repositioning itself to take out the next part of the house that was right next to our rebuild house.

Today we heard the sound of emergency equipment; firemen and police rushing to the house just a few doors down. This house had been on stilts for the last week as they were raising the house in order that it would not be damaged from another storm. Today the emergency crews were there because this house that we being raised fell down off the stilts. Fortunately no one was hurt, but a house that we almost ready to be lived in is now in question if it can ever be occupied again.

We heard another sound today; The grateful sounds of a homeowner who is getting her life almost in order. One who will soon be back in her own home, and no longer living in a hotel~ One who is grateful for the many teams who have helped her along the way.

Today we were able to hang all of the upper kitchen cabinets, finish the last trim, put grout in between the newly laid bathroom tiles, get rid of the big trash pile of building scraps from behind the house, and get the home owner almost in her house.

Prior to our departure we were able to present her with a prayer shaw hand made by the Westfield 1st UMC team who had been housed with us. We also prayed a blessing over her home and over her.

Most of us are now home, Ron will return tomorrow.We are grateful for your prayers, we are grateful to have been called to the mission, we are grateful for the comfy beds of our own homes and tired, sore muscles. Most of all, we are grateful for the opportunity to have served, even for a short time, and the honor it has been to see God’s people on the move. Thank you for joining us along the journey.

Your Taylorsville UMC Mission Team & Friends.

PS If you have been new to this blog, please continue to join us. We blog about our experiences of trying to live as faithful disciples of Jesus Christ, and we blog about our sermons to enable folks to grow deeper in their relationship with Jesus Christ. In the fall we will be preaching and blogging about the gospel of Matthew.

Meanwhile, if you would like more information about what the UMC in NJ is doing to help those still struggling from Super Storm Sandy, you are invited to “like” the Facebook page of “A future with Hope.”

A Future With Hope ~ End of Day Four

Once again, thanks for all of your prayer support. Tonight we will just send pictures, but let you know that they expect this ongoing recovery process to last five years. We will write more tomorrow night. We leave tomorrow and are hoping to get a lot of work done on our last day.

A Future With Hope ~ day three

Day three saw many accomplishments. We will write more after dinner. Tonight we knocked off early, at 5 pm so that we could enjoy a concert and picnic on the beach. After all, the beach is five minutes away.

Accomplishments: tile placed by Rusty, needs to dry and gets grout tomorrow, most doors hung, base board half completed and filled in. We finished encasing most of the windows and putting trim around them. You might need the tumc team to build your house 🙂

We are honored and blessed to be here, thanks for your continued prayers. Prayers for a good nights sleep would be welcome.

A future with Hope ~Sandy Relief Mission Team

Our team from TUMC has safely arrived in Highlands, NJ. We are being housed in a church that was destroyed by Super Storm Sandy. We are here with another team from 1st United Methodist Church of West Field, NJ.

This church in Highlands was rebuilt with the purpose of housing teams. There are cots, one per person, and the men are housed downstairs in the former social hall, while the women are housed upstairs in the former sanctuary. I’ve never slept in a sanctuary before…..hopefully people don’t sleep in ours, for example during the sermon 🙂

We are tired from a long drive, but safe. We are eagerly awaiting our “job assignments” which we will receive tomorrow (Monday) morning.

Thanks for the prayers.
Your sandy Relief Team

Church Family

The following was written by one of our parishioners who was reflecting on her experience in the church. What does the Body of Christ mean to you?

I attended the funeral of a dear friend’s Mother this weekend. I did not know my friend’s mother well, but had met her before and found her to be very kind. I had also not been in this particular church before, and as I sat in the service, I was immediately impressed by how comfortable I felt being there with friends and family who were mostly strangers to me; like I had known them most of my life.
I began to ask myself why this was…it didn’t really make sense…..or did it?
As soon as I entered the church, I was immediately at ease. The folks were friendly–but that was not the only reason. As people told stories that celebrated her life, I felt like they could have been talking about my life. I was raised in a church, meaning, I attended Sunday School, Bible School, worked church suppers and eventually sang with the kids choir and then the adult choir. Now, I admit, I didn’t go every Sunday or attend everything all the time, but felt the connection of fellowship and knew I was a member of that church even at a young age. I was particularly blessed to be able to sit by my grandmother during the worship service and see how important it was to her. I also remember other members of the congregation fondly. They would smile at me, ask me about school and the activities I was participating in, and made me feel like I belonged. I felt loved in this place.
So all these years later, as I hear about a dear lady who lived her life in the church and was friendly and welcoming to all, I hope I can be remembered like that…but most importantly, I want to impress upon parents that belonging to a church family is a great gift given to us by God. Now, if we don’t welcome this gift, it’s like leaving a wonderfully wrapped present addressed to you – left under the tree….but with much more serious consequences. In our society today, many parents were not brought up in a church family (through no fault of their own) and they do not know about this opportunity that is open to them. They may be part of other groups, but kids outgrow their youth leagues, or move on to different schools, and things change. A church family remains constant. Members move, Pastors get relocated….but the body of the church as a whole stays constant.
I myself stopped attending church in college and then when I started working, I wanted my “days off“!! When my kids were born, I knew I wanted them baptized and took them back to the church I was raised in. This really didn’t make sense, looking back, since it was too far away to attend regularly, but it felt like “home” and I hadn’t bothered to find another church closer. When my kids entered elementary school, I really felt a tug to get us all back to church. Something was missing in my life- our lives- and I knew what it was. But I was “too busy” to give up our “weekends”.
As God would have it, my son’s best friend happened to be the son of the Pastor at a church close by. As we got to know the family better and the kids played together, we began attending their church. As God would also have it, the church loved us in and we became a part of this church family that helped raise my own children. My children have moved away now, but when they come back to visit, it is like they are conquering heroes as they are greeted by the members of their church family.
So feeling like you belong to something bigger is great- but when bad things happen, how do you cope? When you attend a church you see life happens in the folks around you….babies are born and baptized…..grandparents die and you see children sad…you go to funerals…you learn to pray for people who have great needs. You hear of healings..You learn that you take meals to folks when they are grieving or have loved ones in the hospital…. You learn to praise God for the great things that happen to you and you learn that He is there to help when the bad stuff comes. And you learn that God’s people are there when the bad stuff comes. You know that if you call a church friend that you will have a ride to chemo and that your whole church will pray for your healing…when your child is sick…your other children will be picked up at the bus stop safely by a church member, if only you are to ask…if your husband decides the marriage is over, you learn that God will never leave you….and that your church family won’t either…You sing songs that will help you learn Bible Verses and you don’t even realize it until you need it – it comes to you.…you hear a message that makes all the difference in your week. You love kids that are not related to you, but since they are part of your church family, you love them and can’t wait to see them each week. If you have lost your best friend, your church friends will help you through and will continue to pray for you….
What I am trying to say, is that God works on this earth through his people-the church. You can come and join in the blessing or you “can have your weekends to yourself.” It is your choice…..please, think about it…..

The Story Chapter 29 Reflection Questions

Paul was now using his zeal to share the Good news about Jesus. Paul and Barnabas were set apart to be missionaries to the gentiles. Watch his pattern when he entered each new city. How did he begin addressing the people to tell them the Good News? Use these questions for reflection for this week’s lessons.

1. God set apart Saul (Paul) and Barnabas for foreign mission work (p. 337) to help fulfill the mandate to be witnesses “to the ends of the earth,” (Acts 1:8).  Review the list of missionaries supported by our church.  Read about each and pray for the needs that are listed for each one.
2. What differences do you find in Paul’s message to the Jews in the synagogue (p. 338, 339) as compared to his message to the Gentiles (p. 340, 342)?   Discuss applications we might make today for reaching different people groups with the same gospel.
3. Compare the conversions of Lydia and the jailer at Philippi (p. 341-342).  What differences do you find?  What similarities?
4. What makes the Church in Thessalonica “a model to all the believers,” (p. 344-345; 1 Thess. 1:1-2:8) and what application can we make for our church if we want to be known as a model church?
5. What problem seems to be at the root of the divisions and quarrels in the Church at Corinth? (p. 351, 1 Cor. 1:10-13, 3:1-11) Do you see any lessons here for our church?
6. Read 1 Cor. 12, Rom. 12:3-8, and Eph. 4:1-7, 11-16.  Why is the human body a good metaphor for the church and how does it relate to spiritual gifts?
7. According to Paul’s letter to the Galatians, does freedom from the law grant freedom to sin (p. 355-357, Gal. 5:13-26)?  What are some results of living by the Spirit?
8. What is the relationship between righteousness and faith and why do you suppose Paul used Abraham to prove his point?  (Hint: The Jews placed their trust in keeping the Law and the fact that they had been circumcised.)
9. Of all the books in the Bible, Paul’s letter to the Romans most clearly outlines a pattern we can follow to lead a person to Christ.  It shows man’s lost condition and makes clear what we must do to receive what God has done to correct our sad condition.  This collection of verses has often been called “the Romans Road to salvation.”  Trace the following verses, perhaps even marking them in your Bible.  Romans 3:23à 3:10-11à 6:23 à 5:8 à 10:9-13 à 5:1, 8:1, 8:38-39.  In 25 words or less, what are the essentials of the gospel?  (Hint:  Review 1 Cor. 15:3-4)  How do you think the Romans Road could help you share your faith in the future?

The Story Chapter 28 Reflection Questions

In today’s terminology we would call them wimps or maybe men with no backbone. All the disciples, except the “Beloved disciple,” ran when the going got tough. Now Jesus was alive, they had followed marching orders and had waited in Jerusalem until “the gift” arrived. What would the gift look like?

They had no clue. They just knew that they would know it when it came. Scripture tells us it came with the rush of a mighty wind. Maybe it sounded like one of those deadly tornados that frequent the plains of the mid-west. Instead of hiding, as their pattern had been, they came out into the open. Then the most amazing thing happened to them. It seemed like tongues of fire were falling upon them, but it was the manifestation of the Holy Spirit.

These men, who had literally been cowards were now empowered in ways they had never been before, and they were speaking in languages they had never learned.  The purpose of the languages–to share the Good News of the resurrection of Jesus the Christ. They were empowered by the Spirit to build the kingdom of God.

The Good News doesn’t stop there. They the Holy Spirit continues to empower us today. Have you been baptized in the power of the Holy Spirit? Wonderful things can happen and gifts of the Spirit are given when you are willing to make yourself available for God’s use.

Use these study questions (taken from the Adult Study Guide) to enhance your reading this week.

1. Look up Ex. 3:2, 3:21, and 19:18. Why do you suppose the Holy Spirit was portrayed as tongues of fire that came to rest on each believer at Pentecost and how does His relationship to believers change after this event?
2. According to Peter’s Pentecost sermon (p. 325 or Acts 2:22-24, 36), who was responsible for Jesus death?  As a group, discuss the tension we experience between God’s sovereignty and man’s free will.
3. What marked the community life of the believers (p. 326, 328)?  Discuss ways your church and small group help foster a similar community.  Share what is most meaningful to you personally.
4. The church grew rapidly from the beginning even in spite of growing opposition and persecution.  What factors might account for such growth then?
5. God the Father was the most visible person of the Trinity in the Old Testament.  Jesus, God the Son, was most visible in the gospels and now God the Holy Spirit becomes prominent in Acts.  For most Christians, the Holy Spirit is the least understood person of the Trinity.   List all you learned about the Holy Spirit from this chapter. What did you learn about the empowerment of the Holy Spirit for your own life?
6. How did Stephen’s martyrdom help fulfill God’s mandate of Acts 1:8 (p. 323) beginning with Philip?  If you are comfortable, share an example from your own life of God fulfilling an Upper Story work out of a Lower Story tragedy.
7. What accounts for the dramatic change in Saul of Tarsus from persecutor to preacher?  Do you know anyone personally who has gone from being a Christ-hater to a Christ-follower?  (Please be sensitive to privacy by refraining from mentioning names.)
8. God intended to teach Peter something even more profound than a lesson about foods through the vision of unclean animals (p. 333-334).  What was it and why was Cornelius’ conversion such a big turning point in the life of the early church?  (See Acts 11:1-3, Acts 11:15-18, Rom. 10:12-13 and Eph. 2:11-13 for further insight.)
9. What did you learn about suffering from Peter’s flogging (p. 329-330) and imprisonment (p. 334-336), and Stephen’s martyrdom (p. 330-331) that you could apply personally?

 

The Story Chapter 17 Post Sermon

Today we heard about the Kingdom of Judah being the last holdout to crumble, but crumble it did. When the Babylonians finished knocking at their door there was nothing left. Israel and Judah, God’s special nations had been sent into exile.  Exile brought despair. The people thought God had abandoned them.

Prophets had given them fair warning; both from Ezekiel and Jeremiah. Yet, even after the kingdom fell, the prophets began to give words of hope. Destruction and exile were not the final words. In fact, God still loved his people, there was hope for a future. God uses Jeremiah for those famous words of hope, “For I know the plans I have for you…..”

What kingdoms have you built up in your life that need to fall? What false gods are we worshiping that is taking away from the one true God? Today we looked at the sad situation that Lance Armstrong has found himself in–kingdoms of lies and falsehoods which had been built up, and they all came crumbling down. What do you need to allow to crumble in order to be in right relationship with others and with God?

We also gave the example of Bob Buford as one who had a “Jeremiah moment”. Click here to  read some of his testimony and those of others who have turned their lives around, those who have allowed false kingdoms to crumble in order to go into the second half of their lives well.