5 basic steps in dealing with grief

Waves of grief: I remember it well, and it is coming again, over and over again. Washing over me and my family. Its like the ocean. You think the water has stopped, all is calm, and suddenly wave after wave begins to splash all around you, above you, and sometimes carries you away. I had forgotten how grief comes in waves.

One of my call verses to ordained ministry comes out of my first story of grief. When my own young husband died suddenly in a car accident 22 years ago leaving me behind with two babies the unbearable grief almost got the best of me–but God was there all along. God is with you too, though you may not feel it at this time.

 

2 Corinthains 1: 3 has the Apostle Paul’s greeting the people from Corinth with these words:, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

Now I am here to help others in their own grieving process. In all that experience it still does not “prepare” you for the next time when you will be in the midst of grief. The second worst day of my life came a little over two weeks ago, when my brother-in-law, the very one who had stepped in to help me when my husband had not been there, died suddenly of a massive heart attack. This kind of heart attack is called the widow maker, and virtually there is nothing anyone can do when it strikes. One day he was healthy, working out in the pool and helping strangers in the nursing home, the next morning he woke up not feeling very well, and died shortly thereafter. Ron was only 61, loving life, and serving others.

So how do we cope? How do we survive? How do we go on living when sometimes there seems to be very little to live for? Over the next few weeks I will be writing about grief. For today, here are 5 basic steps, a very good place to begin. Sometimes in the beginning of grief, we need to go over these basic steps daily for a long time:

1) Grief is a process, it takes time. While this seems basic sometimes we forget that grief is not something we “get over” quickly. We can be grieved over many things: Loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, kids moving out of the house, divorce, a change in our own health status or that of one we love. I remember when I attended a grief support group for young widows and they told me I would not feel whole again until 5 years. I remember thinking, “There is no way I can make it that long in this condition.” 5 Years was right, I did not feel fully alive again until 5 years later. (Sorry to be the bearer of that bad news, but keep reading there are things you can do NOW.)

2) Take time to grieve. Give yourself space and permission. Some circles call this the “white space.” This is unplanned time to allow yourself to be, to remember and to be sad.

3) Tears are healthy. Use them. Take time to cry. It might seem that you have already been crying far too much, maybe it seems that there are no more tears left. Tears also help you process. There is a chemical element of tears that is cleansing. After the two year point when my tears no longer came at regular intervals several times a day, I would take some space and listen to music that would MAKE my cry. This did two helpful things: It helped me control my emotions in public, and it allowed the grief process to continuing working in me.

4) Find out how you “process” things and DO it. I have discovered that I process life events with pictures. So I pull out pictures of my loved ones and go over them and remember. (I even did this when my dog died, I loved my dog!) Maybe you process by telling your story. Find a trusted friend or a pastor who will listen to your story. Tell it over and over again, this helps the processing. I have also found that writing to my loved one in a journal helps me process. This had an added benefit in that months later I could reread my journaling and really see that I HAD made progress in my grief work even though sometimes it FEELS like you are standing still.

5) Don’t leave God out of the mix. The Risen Christ Jesus promises to be with us until the end of the ages. (Matthew 28:20) The biblical witness reminds us from the beginning to the end that we have a God who loves us, who cares for us and who will be an abiding presence with us. (I will delve further into these references in a future post.) But in the midst of our grief sometimes we feel that God HAS abandoned us, we feel that God has forgotten us and we feel like God doesn’t care about us. God is big enough to hear your cries of pain and hurt. There are very real persons of faith, particularly in the Psalms of Lament (Psalms 22, 88 and many others,) who cry out in their pain and they ask the question, “God where were you and where are you now?” (Psalm 22 is what Jesus cried from the cross, “My God, my God why have you forsaken me.”) Cry out to God, and when you cannot seem to pray for yourself, ask others to pray with you and for you. (Get on a church prayer list, have faithful friends pray for you, find a Christian prayer and healing service near to you.)

This is a contemporary praise song that helps me in times of being in the desert by Hillsong United entitled, “The Desert Song.”

Grief work is hard, but whatever you do do NOT do nothing. Doing nothing will only help you become bitter and self destructive. REALLY! May the God of all comfort comfort you in your pain and grief.

In Christ,

Pastor Sarah

Climbing The Mountain

This was the view from the top, but the view was not easy to obtain.

Allow me to start at the beginning: We were on vacation in Yosemite National Park, a place that is beauty beyond words. We decided to do one of the park’s signature hikes, a hike to Vernal Falls along the Mist Trail, with a possibility of continuing along the trail to the top of Nevada Falls. In short, this hike, while only about 8 miles round trip is a 2,000 vertical hike out of the valley floor. If you can do it, you ultimately climb out of the valley, which is already at an elevation of 4,000 feet, to the top of two water falls. The view is stunning.

Some ask, why bother? The answers are varied, but for me the answer fall into two categories: First for the view itself, and secondly to see if I am up for the self challenge.

Climbing, step by step to the top of the double falls reminded me of the challenges we face in life. We have so many mountains to climb, and we climb them for different reasons: Sometimes we climb because we have to, there is no other choice. Sometimes we are stuck in the middle, when we were in-between the two falls, even the return trip would have been difficult. No matter which direction we choose, the path would be full of rocks, steep cliffs, and treacherous. Sometimes we climb mountains to prove something to ourselves or to someone else. Sometimes we climb just to see what the path will offer.

When we were at the top of the first falls we had to make our decision, would we continue up or turn around. I deeply wanted to continue up, but I was not sure my body would endure. Breathing was heavy, my fingers were swelling, it was hot and I was very tired.  Could I do it? We continued, and I found myself literally concentrating on one step at a time. This foot was in place, now it was time to place the next foot, and it had to be carefully placed so that it wouldn’t slip down the mountain, which was a long way down.

I also found myself calling upon God to help place my footsteps. The “Psalms of Ascent” are literally that, as they climbed the mountains towards Jerusalem the Hebrew pilgrims would sing the Psalms of Ascent: “He will not let your foot slip.” (Psalm 121)

My climb was very much a picture of my walk with God: Talking with God on the way up, and down, standing in the midst of God’s awesome creation, giving praise, and calling upon God to watch the very path upon which my feet were walking.

What mountain have you been climbing recently? Has it been a figurative mountain or a very physical climb that demanded every ounce of your strength to make the full ascent? Where has this journey connected you with God?

The one thing I am sure of is that God never left me. When we finally arrived at the top and looked over the valley the view was so stunning that there was a hushed kind of sacred silence. That, too, embodies my walk with my Savior.

Church Family

The following was written by one of our parishioners who was reflecting on her experience in the church. What does the Body of Christ mean to you?

I attended the funeral of a dear friend’s Mother this weekend. I did not know my friend’s mother well, but had met her before and found her to be very kind. I had also not been in this particular church before, and as I sat in the service, I was immediately impressed by how comfortable I felt being there with friends and family who were mostly strangers to me; like I had known them most of my life.
I began to ask myself why this was…it didn’t really make sense…..or did it?
As soon as I entered the church, I was immediately at ease. The folks were friendly–but that was not the only reason. As people told stories that celebrated her life, I felt like they could have been talking about my life. I was raised in a church, meaning, I attended Sunday School, Bible School, worked church suppers and eventually sang with the kids choir and then the adult choir. Now, I admit, I didn’t go every Sunday or attend everything all the time, but felt the connection of fellowship and knew I was a member of that church even at a young age. I was particularly blessed to be able to sit by my grandmother during the worship service and see how important it was to her. I also remember other members of the congregation fondly. They would smile at me, ask me about school and the activities I was participating in, and made me feel like I belonged. I felt loved in this place.
So all these years later, as I hear about a dear lady who lived her life in the church and was friendly and welcoming to all, I hope I can be remembered like that…but most importantly, I want to impress upon parents that belonging to a church family is a great gift given to us by God. Now, if we don’t welcome this gift, it’s like leaving a wonderfully wrapped present addressed to you – left under the tree….but with much more serious consequences. In our society today, many parents were not brought up in a church family (through no fault of their own) and they do not know about this opportunity that is open to them. They may be part of other groups, but kids outgrow their youth leagues, or move on to different schools, and things change. A church family remains constant. Members move, Pastors get relocated….but the body of the church as a whole stays constant.
I myself stopped attending church in college and then when I started working, I wanted my “days off“!! When my kids were born, I knew I wanted them baptized and took them back to the church I was raised in. This really didn’t make sense, looking back, since it was too far away to attend regularly, but it felt like “home” and I hadn’t bothered to find another church closer. When my kids entered elementary school, I really felt a tug to get us all back to church. Something was missing in my life- our lives- and I knew what it was. But I was “too busy” to give up our “weekends”.
As God would have it, my son’s best friend happened to be the son of the Pastor at a church close by. As we got to know the family better and the kids played together, we began attending their church. As God would also have it, the church loved us in and we became a part of this church family that helped raise my own children. My children have moved away now, but when they come back to visit, it is like they are conquering heroes as they are greeted by the members of their church family.
So feeling like you belong to something bigger is great- but when bad things happen, how do you cope? When you attend a church you see life happens in the folks around you….babies are born and baptized…..grandparents die and you see children sad…you go to funerals…you learn to pray for people who have great needs. You hear of healings..You learn that you take meals to folks when they are grieving or have loved ones in the hospital…. You learn to praise God for the great things that happen to you and you learn that He is there to help when the bad stuff comes. And you learn that God’s people are there when the bad stuff comes. You know that if you call a church friend that you will have a ride to chemo and that your whole church will pray for your healing…when your child is sick…your other children will be picked up at the bus stop safely by a church member, if only you are to ask…if your husband decides the marriage is over, you learn that God will never leave you….and that your church family won’t either…You sing songs that will help you learn Bible Verses and you don’t even realize it until you need it – it comes to you.…you hear a message that makes all the difference in your week. You love kids that are not related to you, but since they are part of your church family, you love them and can’t wait to see them each week. If you have lost your best friend, your church friends will help you through and will continue to pray for you….
What I am trying to say, is that God works on this earth through his people-the church. You can come and join in the blessing or you “can have your weekends to yourself.” It is your choice…..please, think about it…..

The Story Chapter 32

You might be saying, wait a minute, there are only 31 chapters of The Story, so why are we talking about Chapter 32? Chapter 32 is our roll in continuing the story. We are not called to be idle, but rather we have a roll to carry on the story by sharing God’s story. We have a roll to invite others to be a part of God’s story and to carry on the Good News.

I love this picture of the cat of shame. What draws shame, this cat is not participating in the God given ability of chasing mice. This cat is not fulfilling its role in using it’s gifts to rid the master’s house of mice.

How does this reflect on us? God has given us the ability and calls us to share the Good News of Jesus. How are we doing with that ability and call on our lives? Are we like the cat, watching the mouse eat the food and doing nothing? We can each do something. What can you do?

The Story Chapter 30

As we reflect on the end of Paul’s journeys and his final trip to Rome as a prisoner, reflect on these questions taken from the Adult Study Guide.

1. From his farewell speech, describe Paul’s ministry in Ephesus (p. 363-364).  Look up 1 Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:5-9.  What did he teach about the responsibility of elders from his personal life, his farewell address and his letters?
2. In 1 Corinthians 4:16 and 11:1, and 1 Thessalonians 1:6, how was Paul an imitator of Christ throughout his ordeals and what are the implications for believers today?
3. Paul was a Jewish Pharisee and a Roman citizen (p. 366) who exercised his rights as either at various times in his life.  Discuss as a group the appropriate exercise of our civil rights in the light of our “heavenly citizenship”.
4. What evidence of God’s grace and sovereignty can you find in Paul’s arrests, trials and travels?
5. Look up Acts 28:30-31, Eph. 6:20, Phil. 1:7, Col. 4:10, 4:18 and Philemon 1.  How did Paul spend his two years while under house arrest in Rome (p. 373). What lessons can you learn about dealing with disagreeable and difficult circumstances?
6. Ephesians 1:1-10 (p. 373-374) teaches that as Christians we are “in Christ.”  What benefits and blessings does this status bring us?
7. Paul urged the believers in Ephesus to “live a life worthy of the calling” that they had received (Ephesians 4:1, p. 375).  According to Paul’s letter, what does that mean?
8. What makes the marriage relationship a good metaphor for the church’s relationship to Christ?  What does Christ do for the church (p. 376, Ephesians 5:21-33)?
9. Look up Romans 5:3-5 and 2 Timothy 3:10-17 (p. 378).  What has Paul’s life taught you about perseverance? What might perseverance look like for us today?
10. Paul reminded Timothy of his need to persevere in the work of preparing a future generation of Christian servants using the three illustrations of a soldier, athlete and farmer (2 Timothy 2:1-7, p. 377).  How does each one help Timothy fulfill his call while facing hardships?  Which of these traits do all believers need to fulfill their service to the Lord, even today?

The Story Chapter 29 Reflection Questions

Paul was now using his zeal to share the Good news about Jesus. Paul and Barnabas were set apart to be missionaries to the gentiles. Watch his pattern when he entered each new city. How did he begin addressing the people to tell them the Good News? Use these questions for reflection for this week’s lessons.

1. God set apart Saul (Paul) and Barnabas for foreign mission work (p. 337) to help fulfill the mandate to be witnesses “to the ends of the earth,” (Acts 1:8).  Review the list of missionaries supported by our church.  Read about each and pray for the needs that are listed for each one.
2. What differences do you find in Paul’s message to the Jews in the synagogue (p. 338, 339) as compared to his message to the Gentiles (p. 340, 342)?   Discuss applications we might make today for reaching different people groups with the same gospel.
3. Compare the conversions of Lydia and the jailer at Philippi (p. 341-342).  What differences do you find?  What similarities?
4. What makes the Church in Thessalonica “a model to all the believers,” (p. 344-345; 1 Thess. 1:1-2:8) and what application can we make for our church if we want to be known as a model church?
5. What problem seems to be at the root of the divisions and quarrels in the Church at Corinth? (p. 351, 1 Cor. 1:10-13, 3:1-11) Do you see any lessons here for our church?
6. Read 1 Cor. 12, Rom. 12:3-8, and Eph. 4:1-7, 11-16.  Why is the human body a good metaphor for the church and how does it relate to spiritual gifts?
7. According to Paul’s letter to the Galatians, does freedom from the law grant freedom to sin (p. 355-357, Gal. 5:13-26)?  What are some results of living by the Spirit?
8. What is the relationship between righteousness and faith and why do you suppose Paul used Abraham to prove his point?  (Hint: The Jews placed their trust in keeping the Law and the fact that they had been circumcised.)
9. Of all the books in the Bible, Paul’s letter to the Romans most clearly outlines a pattern we can follow to lead a person to Christ.  It shows man’s lost condition and makes clear what we must do to receive what God has done to correct our sad condition.  This collection of verses has often been called “the Romans Road to salvation.”  Trace the following verses, perhaps even marking them in your Bible.  Romans 3:23à 3:10-11à 6:23 à 5:8 à 10:9-13 à 5:1, 8:1, 8:38-39.  In 25 words or less, what are the essentials of the gospel?  (Hint:  Review 1 Cor. 15:3-4)  How do you think the Romans Road could help you share your faith in the future?

The Story Chapter 29 Introduction

Paul wrote much of the New Testament, yet he was one who began his career persecuting the church. Paul was on his way to Damascus to round up those following Jesus when he had an experience with the living God; with the resurrected Jesus.

Have you had an experience with the living God? What did that look like? Did that cause you to shift your thought process or your life style in the opposite direction?

After Saul, now named Paul’s experience, he became the biggest champion for the church. In fact, he made three missionary journeys into the heartland of the Roman Empire in order to share the Good News with the Gentiles, with non-Jews.

What are we willing to do in order to share the Good News with others? Are we willing to do a complete life style change? Are we willing to talk about Jesus even if it makes us uncomfortable? Here is a list of things that Paul persevered through in order to tell others the Good News that Jesus is alive!

“²³ Are they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. ²⁴ Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. ²⁵ Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, ²⁶ I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. ²⁷ I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. ²⁸ Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches. ²⁹ Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn? ³⁰ If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. ³¹ The God and Father of the Lord Jesus, who is to be praised forever, knows that I am not lying.” 2 Corinthians 11

What are we willing to do to share Jesus?

The story chapter 28 post sermon

Jesus gave us a commission. In light of that commissioning, read the words of Oscar Romero.
Prophets of A Future Not Our Own

It helps now and then to step back and take a long view.
The Kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is beyond our vision.

We accomplish in our lifetime only a fraction
of the magnificent enterprise that is God’s work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is another way of
saying that the kingdom always lies beyond us.

No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith. No confession
brings perfection, no pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the Church’s mission.
No set of goals and objectives include everything.

This is what we are about. We plant the seeds that one
day will grow. We water the seeds already planted
knowing that they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces effects
far beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of
liberation in realizing this.
This enables us to do something, and to do it very well.
It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning,
a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord’s
grace to enter and do the rest.
We may never see the end results, but that is the
difference between the master builder and the worker.

We are workers, not master builders, ministers, not
messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own.

— Archbishop Oscar Romero

The Story Chapter 28 Reflection Questions

In today’s terminology we would call them wimps or maybe men with no backbone. All the disciples, except the “Beloved disciple,” ran when the going got tough. Now Jesus was alive, they had followed marching orders and had waited in Jerusalem until “the gift” arrived. What would the gift look like?

They had no clue. They just knew that they would know it when it came. Scripture tells us it came with the rush of a mighty wind. Maybe it sounded like one of those deadly tornados that frequent the plains of the mid-west. Instead of hiding, as their pattern had been, they came out into the open. Then the most amazing thing happened to them. It seemed like tongues of fire were falling upon them, but it was the manifestation of the Holy Spirit.

These men, who had literally been cowards were now empowered in ways they had never been before, and they were speaking in languages they had never learned.  The purpose of the languages–to share the Good News of the resurrection of Jesus the Christ. They were empowered by the Spirit to build the kingdom of God.

The Good News doesn’t stop there. They the Holy Spirit continues to empower us today. Have you been baptized in the power of the Holy Spirit? Wonderful things can happen and gifts of the Spirit are given when you are willing to make yourself available for God’s use.

Use these study questions (taken from the Adult Study Guide) to enhance your reading this week.

1. Look up Ex. 3:2, 3:21, and 19:18. Why do you suppose the Holy Spirit was portrayed as tongues of fire that came to rest on each believer at Pentecost and how does His relationship to believers change after this event?
2. According to Peter’s Pentecost sermon (p. 325 or Acts 2:22-24, 36), who was responsible for Jesus death?  As a group, discuss the tension we experience between God’s sovereignty and man’s free will.
3. What marked the community life of the believers (p. 326, 328)?  Discuss ways your church and small group help foster a similar community.  Share what is most meaningful to you personally.
4. The church grew rapidly from the beginning even in spite of growing opposition and persecution.  What factors might account for such growth then?
5. God the Father was the most visible person of the Trinity in the Old Testament.  Jesus, God the Son, was most visible in the gospels and now God the Holy Spirit becomes prominent in Acts.  For most Christians, the Holy Spirit is the least understood person of the Trinity.   List all you learned about the Holy Spirit from this chapter. What did you learn about the empowerment of the Holy Spirit for your own life?
6. How did Stephen’s martyrdom help fulfill God’s mandate of Acts 1:8 (p. 323) beginning with Philip?  If you are comfortable, share an example from your own life of God fulfilling an Upper Story work out of a Lower Story tragedy.
7. What accounts for the dramatic change in Saul of Tarsus from persecutor to preacher?  Do you know anyone personally who has gone from being a Christ-hater to a Christ-follower?  (Please be sensitive to privacy by refraining from mentioning names.)
8. God intended to teach Peter something even more profound than a lesson about foods through the vision of unclean animals (p. 333-334).  What was it and why was Cornelius’ conversion such a big turning point in the life of the early church?  (See Acts 11:1-3, Acts 11:15-18, Rom. 10:12-13 and Eph. 2:11-13 for further insight.)
9. What did you learn about suffering from Peter’s flogging (p. 329-330) and imprisonment (p. 334-336), and Stephen’s martyrdom (p. 330-331) that you could apply personally?

 

The Story Chapter 28 Introduction

While in the church calendar year we are still in the Easter season until Pentecost, in The Story we fly through the resurrection appearances of Jesus to land on the day of Pentecost. While we might be moving quickly, you might want to pause to contemplate the resurrection appearances of Jesus. The appearance to the two on the Road to Emmaus happened on Easter Sunday itself. The Apostle Paul gives a list of those who saw the resurrected Jesus to the people of Corinth.

Prior to the ascension of Jesus, he gives instructions to those who are left behind, we often call this The Great Commission, “Go into all the world making disciples and baptizing in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.”

Jesus also told them to wait for the gift that would be given on what we call the day of Pentecost. Pentecost was a festival for which the faithful Jews would come to Jerusalem, so there were many from what is known as the diaspora there when the Holy Spirit fell upon the Apostles.

Here is the exciting part, the Holy Spirit empowered the believers to speak in languages they had never studied. The Holy spirit gave gifts of the spirit which were used to build the kingdom of God; The Holy Spirit continues to give gifts today for building the kingdom of God.

Sometimes it is hard for us to imagine that God continues to bless believers with miraculous gifts of the Holy spirit that are not learned and do not fall under our categories of understanding. That is the way God works. God is beyond being put into a box or fitting into our categories of understanding. We are told that if we pray to receive the gifts of the Holy Spirit that God will bless us with them. What gifts can you use for the building of God’s kingdom; Prophecy, healing, wisdom, tongues? Pray for the baptism of the Holy spirit upon you. Open up your heart, God will provide.